As I sit here in my New York apartment while the rich man I'm dating has his driver pull up outside, I can't help but wonder... what's love got to do with it?
Oh if only I were Carrie Bradshaw and this was an article about the problems of dating a rich, older man. But no. It's 2018, Tinder ruined romance a long time ago, d*ck pics replaced chivalry and f*ckboys have taken over the majority of the dating pool.
And now, dear God, they have evolved. There's a new type of f*ckboy in town and he's harder to spot and more advanced than its predecessor. Consider this your warning against the strike and burn of the 'softboy'.
What is a softboy?
Described by Urban Dictionary as 'a f*ckboy, but without the cocky attitude', the softboy appears to be an emotional being with real feelings and acts considerate of yours too. A softboy will reply to texts, listen to your problems, share his own personal hopes and dreams and genuinely seem like a stand-up guy. But like his f*ckboy brother, he's only in it for a slice of your pie and will never commit.
He'll stick around until he becomes bored by the flavours in your bakery, and then seek to sink his sweet tooth into someone else. The softboy strikes a blow much harder than the f*ckboy, because it's an unexpected emotional attack.
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How to tell if he's a softboy
Two words: Seth Cohen. The soft boy listens to indie rock, not rap. He wears knitted jumpers and much of his wardrobe is sourced from charity shops. He'll talk to you about philosophy, the latest David Attenborough doco and feminism for sure. He'll be the first to tell you he won't hurt you and that he's never felt like this about anyone before... But that won't stop him from hiding another girl in his bedroom while you attend his family's Thanksgiving dinner.
The softboy sometimes even believes his own bullsh*t, but when it comes to making an actual decision about when and if he can 'be with anybody', he'll fade out of your WhatsApp notifications faster than all the other ghosts.
The tell-tale sign of a softboy? He's the person you least expect to be a f*ckboy. Congratulations, you are now the most paranoid dater on the planet.
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The downfall of the softboy
A softboy approach won't work on everyone. We all have friends who (despite their best efforts) only tend to date a person if they're a total d*ckhead. You know, the mate who will dry up like a dessert if a guy texts back too fast or is more than happy to accomodate to her schedule.
This is the friend you need to meet your suspected softboy. They won't be blinded by his niceties and intelligent conversation. In fact they'll find it downright cringey and be able to tell you the truth about what lies underneath the facade...
Friends won't let friends date softboys. You've been warned.